Counting the Demons
by pratz
Summary: As Cagalli counts her own demons, she realizes there is always something behind every loss. ::Complete::
1. Chapter 1: Of Cagalli

Counting the Demons

**Counting the Demons**

Author: pratz

Disclaimer: Tomino-sensei, Sunrise, and Bandai

Written after watching phase 45 of _GS-Destiny_. Beware angst and character's death. Comments and feedbacks are much cherished. Do enjoy your stay.

Notes: what am I doing? Aren't I supposed to write more on that crazy _Coconut_? XP Ah, my apology for grammatical error and other mistakes (**I **_**do**_** really need a beta**; please somebody help me!!). Better listen to Coldplay's _Everything's Not Lost_ and have a look at the lyrics of Cool Joke's _Undo_ (_Full Metal Alchemist_).

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**Chapter 1/3: Of Cagalli**

When she was just a little child, one of her closest maids happened to tell her that sometimes letting go is the best alternative to prove one's love.

'_If you love someone, let him go. If he comes back, he is truly yours. If he does not, he isn't._'

At the age of eighteen, Cagalli lets go of someone who is very dear to her.

"Good morning, Cagalli-sama."

She looks at her men who are suddenly standing stiff to greet her. "Morning. Reading newspaper when you're on duty?"

The man nearest to her forces a clumsy smile to show on his face. "A-ah! Forgive us, Cagalli-sama! W-we are just so happy that you get well so quickly!"

Amused, a blond eyebrow rises. "Of course I do. I've been trusted a country to run."

Her men straighten themselves to greet her formally once again before she slips inside her office. She is not a workaholic, ever, but Orb is a big duty she will never get bored of. Being a politician is a definite tiresome, yet being the servant of the people is a great honour.

A stack of newspapers on the table near the sofa set catches her attention as she tries to find a comfortable position on her chair. It seems like her secretary has piled all newspapers she reads daily since she has been hospitalised two weeks ago.

'Representative Escaped Murder Trial.' That is the headline from the oldest newspapers. 'Representative Saved From Death.' Another headline from the same day's newspaper. 'She Lives!' The headline from today's newspaper.

Half irritated, she grabs one of today's newspapers and uncaringly reads its screaming headline—'She Survives!'

That is it. She is really going to have someone get rid of these overreacting, exaggerating newspapers!

Leaning her back to the headrest, she sighs, wishing that she still wears a certain ring she uses to finger whenever her mind is occupied by so many things. Where does she leave it? Ah, yes. The stupid murder trial.

Her videophone beeps once. Kira's name appears on the screen.

"Good morning, Cagalli."

"Kira."

"How are you feeling?" A kind of worried expression dawned on her brother's face. "You didn't tell me you're going back to works today."

"Do I look like an infant to you?" she scowls. "I'm perfectly fine. I can walk, and my doctor said my head is okay. Anyway, Kira, have you gotten my ring back?"

"Still searching for it with Bartfeld-san, sis. Why?"

"Oh, it's alright. Actually, I'm just going to tell you there's no need to search for it anymore. Athrun told me he'd get me a new one."

Kira's worried expression goes deeper and peculiarly sadder. "Cagalli..."

"Mm, I know. It holds so many memories, but it's not worth the trouble I put you and Bartfeld-san in. Athrun said it's not the material that matters. It's the value indeed," she pauses, then, "or do you think I should appreciate things better like what you do with Lacus' ring?"

"Cagalli, it's not what I me—"

The phone beeps once again. "Oh, sorry to cut you here, Kira, but I've jobs to do. How about a dinner in my house, 7PM?"

"S-sounds good."

"Great. And don't forget to send my regard to Lacus. See you."

She does not notice that Kira looks like he cannot find even a word to say more.

The Representative tells her secretary to excuse her for any evening meeting, saying that it is an important matter with her family—knowing that the old lady already knows about her and Athrun's discreet relationship. At first, her secretary shows a sympathetic, sad expression, but if she has something to say, she does not say it.

"I know it's a hard time for you, Cagalli-sama, but you're not alone."

She just smiles at her encouraging words. _I know that. I have Athrun and my family. Isn't that a happiness enough?_

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Short after her secretary brings the already signed documents out to her staff office, Dearka calls from, to no surprise, Miriallia's house. She wonders whether the two of them has finally been true to each other's feelings.

"I—ah—just wanna let you know we're going to make an official memoir in the memory of our deceased friends. I know it sounds rude, and maybe you think I don't understand how you feel, but—ah—you're Orb's Representative, so..."

"We?"

"Ah, I-I mean the ZAFT Special Unit. You know..."

Cagalli swirls her chair a bit, straightening her legs. "I'd be honoured."

"So? When could I meet you?"

"Mm—my schedule's a bit tight these days, but let's see if I could I make it... Next week? Lunch break?"

"That'll be. Thanks."

"You're much welcome. And Dearka," hearing the feminine sound behind Dearka she knows well enough, she chuckles, "don't forget to bring Millie, too."

She hears some curses before the soldier closes the line. Dearka has not changed too much even after wars. It is a good thing to survive; she realizes it now that she herself has escaped the gate of death just a week before. Life itself is really something to be thankful, isn't it?

Suddenly she understands how Athrun, a soldier who faces death frequently, feels when he survives while the others around him die.

It is not fair, she thinks in seething anguish and regret, that a man who seeks to value peace on the highest pedestal is forced to be a messenger of death at the same time.

_Yes. It is not fair indeed_.

War is never fair.

_Isn't it, Athrun?_

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She has always known that Kira and Lacus make a great couple. So it is not a big surprise to hear some of her maids' whispering about how dashing those two look that evening.

"The meals is pleasant, Cagalli," Lacus says as they settles to talk in front of the fireplace.

Kira sits between the two women he loves dearly. "Unfortunately Murrue-san and Mwu-san couldn't make it, ne?"

"OMNI and ZAFT will have a commemoration day for the deceased soldiers two days from now. Of course the base is in a hectic preparation."

Biting her lower lip, Lacus slowly puts her cup of tea on the table. "You're not going to attend the commemoration?"

"My doctor strictly forbids me to do outdoor activities yet. ORB will send someone to come in my place."

Half resting his head on Lacus' shoulder, Kira turns to Cagalli. "I still can't understand why it all has to come to this."

"Ah." Cagalli does not dodge her brother's hand on hers. "Athrun also thinks so."

The warm hand that holds her own tightens its grasp. "Cagalli..."

"No, it's alright, Kira. I think he doesn't need sympathy more than it already is now."

Kira sighs once. "I still can't understand why it has to be him. I deserve an end like that more than anyone."

"Kira!"

Ignoring Lacus' frightened gasp, Cagalli laughs dryly, humourlessly. "Whatever you say, _dear brother_?"

"I said Athrun Zala isn't with us anymore, _sis_. Let it go."

"Do you ask me to let him go? How?"

This time, Kira's posture turns rigid and stiff.

"How am I supposed to let him go after he finally comes back to me?"

"He does not!" roars the brown-haired ace pilot. "And he never will!"

Time goes as the clock ticks in cold silence. Lacus tries to stop Kira from spilling whatever he has to say, but Cagalli seems like she will not step back either.

"I think you'd better go home," she finally says, dry and plain. "I need some times alone."

Without even a word, Kira pulls Lacus with him and goes to the door. He only stops before he opens the door. "I'd like to talk with you again in better circumstances."

"In a less crazy state of mind, you mean?"

Long time before, "Do what you want then."

Minutes leave after her brother's departure, and she finally finds the strength to go to her bedroom. She understands Kira's words, but that does not mean she can accept them yet. While it is understanding that she has, acceptance is another matter.

Athrun stands close to her nightstand; his dark jacket covering his shoulders. His expression is calm and he looks a bit paler, but otherwise, he is still there.

Athrun is still there with her; safe and alive.

"They think I'm insane," she smiles, wistfully sad. "Am I?"

Athrun smiles back, soft yet noticeable like he always does every time he becomes her pillar of strength, her support, her world.

"Well, I guess being insane doesn't really matter," Cagalli tilts her head, watching Athrun steps closer to her, "as long it makes you stay here."

The truth is Athrun never came back to her.

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	2. Chapter 2: Of Kira

Counting the Demons

**Counting the Demons**

Author: pratz

Disclaimer: Tomino-sensei, Sunrise, and Bandai

All thanks to you, readers, and my dearest beta, Fluffy Fledgling.

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_I'll be counting up my demons_

_Hoping everything's not lost_

Coldplay_; Everything's Not Lost_

**Chapter 2/3: Of Kira**

In his not-so cherished life, Kira has never thought he would care about how humans' minds work. He does not trouble himself with things such as dementia, degenerative memory, and so on. Freud or Jung can go anywhere to make sure their names are well known in their respected studies, but the world he dreams of, despite how complicated it is, is the world with hope behind despair.

Thus, he really wants to rely on hope this time.

"Are you sure?"

Lacus, always so loving and supportive, is there for him. That is the way it is supposed to be for Athrun and Cagalli. But it is not. That is why now it is him who has to be there for his sister—though maybe his companionship is not worth as much as Athrun's.

"I want her to be happy," he says thickly, throat burning with strangled emotions. "Do you think I'm wrong to do such a thing? Or selfish?"

Oh yes, everyone is selfish enough to do what he or she pleases. If Cagalli is happy to be as she is now, who is he to burn her dream to ashes? Who is he to break his sister's so-called happiness? (1)

But no. He is not going to stay silent as his sister deludes herself.

"Just—" Lacus sighed shortly, "just remember that she is not you."

He nods briefly. "I know. Trust me, Lacus. I know how hard it is to let go, but if I can count my demons, there's no way Cagalli can't do the same."

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"She is your own sister!"

"And that's _my_ sister being delusional here!"

"She is not demented!"

"She is not," Kira drawls quietly, though his chest tightens. "She just happens to be less sane, and there's no fuck I'll calmly watch her slip into insanity."

Some maids in the corridor gasped in shock. No one in the Athha household has ever witnessed gentle, composed Kira throw a furious temper tantrum—including Kisaka. He has seen how well this twin brother of his leader can fight, but it seems like he never knows Kira well enough.

"So?" Kira tilts his head in an almost challenging manner. "Are you still going to stop me now?"

Kisaka grunts in defeat, displeased. "Fine. Do as you wish."

Lacus excuses Kira's behaviour to the maids and politely asks them to just go. The maids, seeing that Kisaka has also left, finally leave the two of them alone before Cagalli's door.

"You are not to hurt her. Promise me that, Kira."

"Do I look like I'm going to hurt her?" Kira spits out bitterly. "Why is it that all of you think I'd do that?"

Lacus's smile is tinted with a tender anguish. "Because recently, you haven't been yourself."

Sighing, Kira puts his palm on the handle of Cagalli's door. "I know I haven't," he says, "but I'm not the only one."

The door is not locked. It seems like Cagalli forgot to lock it after she went in more than anything. Kira steps inside, his first step tentative. "Cagalli?"

No answer.

"Cagalli?"

"Ah, Kira." Her voice comes from behind the panel next to her wardrobe. She has just changed from her governmental uniform into a casual suit. "Sorry. Just finished changing my clothes."

"It's alright." He walks to the wardrobe and throws open its doors. Noticing all the clothes, he manages to sort hers from the ones he is looking for.

Cagalli hurriedly rushes to him as he tosses a red-wine coloured jacket—Athrun's—to the now mounting pile of thrown clothes on the floor. "Just what are you doing, Kira?"

"Cleaning."

"That's unnecessary, thank you. Would you stop now?"

"I'm doing what I should have done earlier."

She clutches his right hand abruptly, halting whatever he is furiously doing. "This is my house, those are Athrun's clothes, and you're not going to pick a fight with me."

"Where's that?"

"That what?"

He looks around to search for something, and he finds it in no time. Wearily, he eyes the red pile of a ZAFT special unit uniform on the edge of her bed. "_That_."

"Ah, you know about the commemoration day at PLANT?" She smiles, pleased and strangely happy. "I prepared it for Athrun in case he wants to go to it. You know, he hasn't worn it ever since he resigned from FAITH. That surely brings back memories, don't you think so?"

Not this again. He is tired, frustrated and upset. This has to stop. Cagalli will have to face him, one way or another. "Give it to me."

"What will you do with Athrun's uniform?"

"I'll throw it away to a place so far away you'll never be able to get it back."

Her stare turns icy cold. Despite his words to Lacus, Kira knows he has hurt her. At the doorway, Lacus raises both of her hands to her chest as if she is praying—and maybe she is.

Cagalli reaches for the uniform and hides it behind her back. "You're kidding, Kira."

"I'm not, and you didn't mishear me either. Give it to me."

"This belongs to Athrun."

"Athrun is dea—"

"No!" she bellows, loud and desperate. "He is safe and sound!"

"I'm going to throw this crap away."

"No!"

"Listen here, sis," Kira hisses dangerously in front of his twin's face. "I'm serious. I'd rather have you hate me than see you grieving like this, so now I'm going to get rid of the things that are destroying your life!"

"You wouldn't dare," Cagalli counters angrily. "Over my dead body."

"Just—" Kira forcefully tries to pry the red uniform free from Cagalli's tight grasp, but his twin stubbornly holds on to it as if it is her lifeline. "Cagalli! Just let g—"

"I won't!" Cagalli thunders, barely able to keep from bursting into tears. She pulls the red uniform back abruptly, using all the strength in her body to secure the uniform from Kira. "If you want to get rid of this, do it, but you have to get rid of me, too, you egoistic bastard!"

"Me?! Egoistic?! Just look at yourself!!" Kira shouts back, his temper barely at hold. "You _are_ hopeless! Athrun is a soldier, Cagalli, and he must have prepared himself to die! Now who's the one who refuses to face the truth?! Tell me who's being a damn egoist now!!"

Instead of throwing a furious response to Kira's words, Cagalli huddles herself into a small bundle and clutches the uniform even tighter, hugging it to her chest and sobbing into it. Kira thinks he hears Athrun's name being whispered between gasps. Not waiting until Cagalli's crying subsides, mainly because he does not have the heart to go on watching, Kira storms his way out of his twin's room and loudly slams the door closed behind him.

He leans against the door, weakly slumping downwards until his knees touch the cold floor, covering his face with both hands. Lacus, who has stood to watch it all from the doorway, goes to him and throws an arm around Kira's hunched back.

"I can't stand it," he whispers through his own tears. "She's not supposed to be like that... Damn you, Athrun..."

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She enters the room to see Kira facing the ocean. A small notebook is in his hand. The former pilot sees the small book in his hand, but it seems that he does not really register it in his mind. Yet, Lacus suspects something serious is about to come.

"Kira," she calls, stepping closer to him, "that's—"

"An account on the sperm bank of ORB," Kira forces a smile to spread, but it came out as a painful one, "signed in Athrun's name."

Wordlessly, Lacus leans her head onto Kira's shoulder. The tears ominously seep into her voice when she speaks. "This is just not fair, is it?"

Lacus is right. This is just so unfair. If Athrun had forecasted all of this beforehand, to the worst scenario, then he was not being fair to Cagalli. It was supposed to be the two of them, like him and Lacus. Athrun was supposed to solve his problems together with Cagalli, and he was not supposed to leave like this. Athrun was selfish and selfless at the same time, and Kira is reluctant to admit it.

Fairness really is just an arbitrary that people make up. (2)

"Justice is just an illusion," he mumbles against her hair.

But he also knows that with true justice comes true freedom.

Because that is how he and Athrun have worked together, for as long as he has known.

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"Go away."

Kira does not do so. He walks closer and sits quietly beside his twin sister on the bed. "We need to talk."

"The last time we talked, you were a bastard."

That hurt. "Please?"

Still giving him her back, she shrugs, unconcerned.

Kira considers hugging her but thinks better of it. Cagalli is utterly weary and stressed, so he shall be more careful not to snap like the last time. "I love you," he whispers, loud enough for her to hear. "Lacus loves you, too. So do Murue-san, Bartfeld-san, Erica-san, Kisaka-san, the people of Orb, the people who support and seek peace, and everyone else. We all love you."

"Funny." Her tone is plain. "I've never been able to hear that magic word from the very person I want to hear it from the most."

"It doesn't mean he loves you less."

"I... know," she struggles for words, "but that doesn't make it less bitter."

"I can't speak in his place, but I'm sure he loves you forever."

Cagalli is not a suicidal person. For her, to struggle to keep on living is a measure of being a human. Unlike Athrun, she is willing to go through the rain even though the journey can eat her entirely. When Athrun ran away, her trust in him never once wavered. When he needed support, she was the strength, the adherent pillar, and the camaraderie.

"Nothing lasts forever, Kira." Turning around to hug his waist, she snuggles closer for comfort. "Even memories can't withstand the time."

Sometimes Kira wants to believe that the reason why Athrun has decided to go this way is because he will have not known how to live without Cagalli by his side. If that reason is true, then that is just so selfish of Athrun. Yet, this is the man whom his sister loves to the very bits of her being. Athrun can be a stray coward or a lost survivor or a damn selfish lover, but he will never be homeless. He will always find his home in Cagalli as long as she keeps on living her life.

But how can her being like this be called living?

"I don't ask you to battle time. It's always flowing, and humans will become old. We will all be old."

"I'm afraid of growing old," Cagalli pauses, hesitation clear in the air, then adds, "because then I'll be forgetting."

Kira understands. That is why Cagalli chose to be delusional and unreasonable. It is not being old that his twin is really afraid of; it is the forgetting part—because once she forgets Athrun, it will be like Athrun has really gone.

"How far would you go for him?"

Her eyelashes flutter briefly before her fierce golden eyes bear into his soul. "Athrun would be upset if I answer 'no matter how far.' You know that."

Kira finds a tad of strength to smile. "No, really. I mean it."

"What do you mean?"

"I sincerely hoped this day would never come up." He takes a deep breath, feeling the heavy burden upon his shoulders once again. Kira swallows a clenching sadness back into his stomach. "It's all up to you. You could choose."

"Kira, I don't understand..."

Wordlessly, he pulls her into a brotherly hug, though he is not so sure whether it is for her or for his own sake. "Athrun left a part of him in case the worst happened. You're the only one for him; you know that, don't you? He wouldn't want another woman to give birth to his child."

When comprehensive understanding dawns in her clouded mind, her eyes are already filled with tears.

"Continue living, Cagalli. Athrun surely would want that."

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Notes:

Subaru, on thinking of Seishirou (_X_, vol.11)

_Fairness is just an arbitrary that people made up_ from an _X_ fic titled _Wings_ by Natalie Baan—one of my favourite fics beside Kira and Shell's _Revelation_ and _Genesis_.


	3. Chapter 3: Of Athrun

**Counting the Demons**

Author: pratz

Disclaimer: Tomino-sensei, Sunrise, and Bandai

Last part. Comment, anyone? Oh, all praise and thanks shall go to my great beta, Fledgling.

Personal notes: In cases similar like this, I support science and thank God above for letting us human cope with our gifts to make world a better anew.

.-.-.-.

**Chapter 3/3: Of Athrun**

Little Athrun never understands why his mother will go alone to the Athha Mansion near the beach on October 29th every year. She is the leader of their country, the right and legal representative of Orb; so why does she have to disappear like that? But since she has the authority, no one will question why she goes to have a day off. What is a mere day to all of her full working days, after all?

Little Athrun has just never understood why until today.

He is standing beside his mother, clad in her pristine uniform, looking as graceful and elegant as ever. She holds his hand gently, loving as always. But then, when has she ever been unloving towards him? Despite her high position in society and the big responsibility on her shoulders, she definitely is the best mother and little Athrun thinks he cannot ask for a better one ever.

Uncle Kira and Aunt Lacus are there with them, but they stand a bit farther behind him and his mother. His uncle wears a gentle expression on his face, but little Athrun cannot remember a time when Uncle Kira has never worn one. Aunt Lacus looks a bit sad, but her smile is still sincere and soft.

His mother's expression is a perfect mix of many different emotions blended altogether. She looks loving, distant, pained, torn, and strangely peaceful. Little Athrun is not stupid. He may still be a seven-year old child, but he is already able to recognize what expressions on his mother's face are.

"You must be wondering why we're here." His mother begins to speak in soft voice.

"Yes."

"We're seeing someone special."

He has never paid enough attention to this small garden in the backyard of the mansion. A huge flower tree grows there; he thinks it is sakura, the Japanese flower, shadowing everyone who stands under the tree.

A small gravestone is before them. It is covered by white, plain sandstone that feels too simple to belong to a special person's grave.

Little Athrun blinks as he carefully reads the name carved on the surface of the gravestone.

"Mother? I don't understand..."

His mother turns to him, her smile still soft yet tinted with a tender anguish beneath. "I named you after him."

Whoever the person buried there may have been, his name is Athrun Zala.

Little Athrun recalls his own full name: Athrun Nara Athha.

And, like he has said before, he is not stupid. Thus, he asks, "Who's this?"

"He is the greatest man I've ever known in my entire life." His mother sounds distant, but her words ring clearly in his ears. "Someone with gentle smiles and even gentler eyes. Someone who has a big heart and even bigger love. Someone so precious."

He imagines someone like Uncle Kira, but somehow it does not feel right. His mother never talks about his uncle with that kind of expression. Maybe this Athrun Zala person is more like Aunt Lacus. But still, it feels wrong and misplaced.

"Do I know him?"

"You look like him," her mother's soft voice quietens down into a whisper, "a lot."

At the two last words, little Athrun sees from the corner of his eye that Aunt Lacus turns to Uncle Kira as if she is trying to hide her face. Uncle Kira goes to pull her into a comforting hug.

"Why did you name me after him?"

This time, his mother embraces him in her warm arms. "So I could always call his name."

Her voice is trembling slightly, but little Athrun does not see his mother cry. She is a tough and brave woman. She is strong.

"He must be a good person, I guess," little Athrun mumbles onto his mother's uniform. "Did he make you happy back then?"

"He is a very good person, and yes, he makes me happy."

He notices that his mother talks about this Athrun Zala person in present tense as if the man is still alive, as if he does not sleep a lonely, eternal sleep there deep beneath the ground.

They leave the site before sunset. Uncle Kira and Aunt Lacus leaves earlier. This is the first time Little Athrun has paid a visit to this small, serene, and beautiful garden that—he thinks—belongs to this Athrun Zala person, but he has a feeling it will not be the last time. His mother says that Athrun Zala makes her happy, and he will love anyone who makes his mother happy.

Little Athrun tugs one sleeve of his mother's uniform a bit, asking for attention. He looks upward to see his mother has a very wonderful smile on her face. "Would you tell me everything about him?"

"It'd be a long, long story," she says, and she smiles even more. "But I'm sure he is happy to let you know about himself."

.-.-.-.


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